Saturday, December 13, 2014

Egotistical males and how they react to my early stage transition femininity

As you might know I work in cosmetics for an amazing company. The only place I am not completely out about my transition is at work so of course I am mostly viewed as a femme male. This brings me to my first personal experience of how some men view what it means to be a women or feminine. 

A man and women walk into my store about my age. Around 28 and I noticed he had a shirt on of a band I love and have loved since I was very young so I commented on how much I loved his shirt and instead of saying thank you and agreeing about how great the band was he instantly responded back with "you don't know anything about metal music" I then proceeded to say is it because I work here and not your normal metal fan. He literally agreed with me that I was "to soft" to like metal music in a true way what ever that is. 

The thing that bothered me the most is my feeling of needing his approval that just because I am an effeminate person that it is possible for me to know as much if not more then he does about the topic we were discussing. 

Honestly speaking this is my first experience being confronted this unmentioned male superiority over me. Mostly I didn't like how I responded, I should have just walked away as opposed to trying to get him to believe I knew what I was talking about. 

And yes all this came from a comment on a band tee. 

Friday, December 5, 2014

Wow it's busy. Can't lose sight of what's important

Life has been crazy like always the holiday season for me isn't as welcomed as it is for most. I am a general manager for a major retail company so my job demands much more attention this time of year then any other time. With that said it's easy to lose sight of personal care and I am guilty of this. Since I am aware of it I have an chance to change it and that's what I did. I started getting my teeth fixed, made therapy appointments and an advocate appointment to talk about hormone replacement therapy. It feels good to continue moving in a positive direction even with countless distractions. Just got to keep my head up an keep moving forward. To people going through the same journey good luck and remember your needs are important 

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

The journey is only part of it

The transition is only part of the journey. I am transitioning not solely for the experience of transitioning but the view of the horizon of living my life in the truest version of myself. To wake up in the morning and look in the mirror with yesterday's make up still on and a tangled mess of hair on my head and still be happy.  To see the eyes of others seeing my true self no matter if they are judging eyes or accepting eyes they are seeing the genuine me and that will be amazing. 

Life has been crazy

I am in one of those weird time warps where I feel like I am being pulled in ten different directions with work family wife life and unable to feel balanced. This makes me feel like I can't concentrate on my transition but what I am trying to realize is my transition is a process which I may of just officially started but I have going through for the last 7 years and nothing will be able to keep me from being my true self. Yes things will always come up and maybe prolong things but the fact is I have a supportive wife and we will be through anything together. 

Friday, October 31, 2014

Working on myself

So although it's been very exciting starting therapy and soon starting mones  I can't lie and say when I look back on things how hard it is to realize how much pain and sadness I choked down in and out not being able to be seen as the true me on an everyday bases 

Friday, October 3, 2014

When life says it's time

For the last three months my wife and I as you may know have been talking about me transitioning. I have been very lucky to have her to open up to and be as transparent with but at the same time know I need to seek the help of a professional. 
Randomly one of my days at work (in a cosmetic store) I started a conversation like I normally do and long story short I ask what she does for work and she said she works at the gender health center in sacramento. I automatically was very interested because I have been wanting to reach out to the center for a very long time but have always found a way to forget or not go through with it. We exchanged information and I thought that would be it. 
That is until she reached out to me and started a dialogue about my blog and opened up the invitation to the center. She was very kind and even asked what I prefer to go by. So even though she opened up the invitation I still wasn't actively reaching out, even though ever morning I wake up saying today is the day I call. 
So in conclusion today is the day I am going to set up my first appointment  with a therapist in regards to me transitioning. I can't ignore getting healthy anymore. 

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Somethings will change some won't

Loved relaxing on the couch with my wife last night something's will never change and the time spent in comfys wife my lover next to me as I play some video games is something that won't ever change. 

Sisters dinner

I am going to try and keep this one short and simple. I just had an amazing dinner with my sisters yesterday. We had a great time and most of the time was spent outlining what it means to be trans and what the future looks like for me. They were extremely accepting and open to listening. I know that mistakes happen in terms of misgendering and with time that will fade. I am also looking forward to the times where my transness doesn't need to be a topic or subject with my sisters and we can just enjoy being sisters. I am blessed to have them in my life and am looking forward to spending more time with them. 

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Dinner with my twin sister

I had an awesome dinner with my sister Cassandra and my wife Chelsea. I was nervous because I had a feeling that the conversation would sway towards my thoughts of transition although my sister has known I have dressed for a long time as a women, the only one I have discussed transition with is my wife. 

We had some great casual conversation but the one thing that stood out to me  the most was, since I don't hide me being trans on social media my family gets questions all the time about me. I guess people feel more comfortable asking my family about me being trans then just asking me about it. So my sister shared with me other family members talking to my dad about me being trans which in it self is a lot to deal with mentally. 

The conversation did come up in regards to transition and my sister was so great about it. Asking question and showing her support. She kinda has always had the view that it doesn't matter and that I need to be true to myself. 

We enjoyed dinner and after saying good bye to my sister my wife and I stopped by target to grab a fault in our stars so we could have a pj and movie party after we got home. All in all the day was amazing and I couldn't have asked for a better day 

Monday, September 15, 2014

Halloween 2014

I think I figured out who I am going to be 
Bell. I have always related to her elegance and grace and of course I love her dark brown hair 

Hopefully I can find a dress similar to this one

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Told that my blog was a great resource and inspiration :-)

I had a close friend of mine from the past tell me that my blog was an inspiration and a great resource and that she wanted to share it with a group of people she thought might enjoy it. 

I have been writing on and off here for years and always wanted it to be more then an outlet for myself but a way to tell my story to others who want to listen. Anyways thank you to anybody who reads and I hope we get to talk sometime :-). 

Conversations of transition

I came out of the closet as a gender fluid person in my late teens early 20s and have been  increasingly open about who I am in regards to gender over the past 8 years.  Examples of this would be not separating my social networks and not restraining myself from going to places I have been known as male when I am presenting as a female. This has been an amazing way to live (not confining myself to normal gender roles) and having a wife who understands and excepts me for being a gender fluid person has helped me grow into the person I am at this point of my life. 

I can talk about all the things that have happened over the last eight years but that's not where I was going with this blog. Where I wanted to go was as of lately the conversation of transitioning has been a prominent and continual conversation my wife and I have been having for the last couple months.  I have to say that Chelsea I think sensed something from me and created a safe place to start a conversation about the possibilities of transitioning. This also has been spurred on by seeing amazing transgender advocates such as Laura Jane Grace and Bailey Jay make such a great statement in society and make such a great example of what it means to be a transgender women in society.  

I have finally came to the decision to seek out a therapist who specializes in gender and can help me walk through my thoughts and what that means. Also helping me get to my more genuine self what ever that might mean. 

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Those moments of tdbs

We all have those moments when the tdbs (transgender dysphoria blues) hit us the hardest we just have to make it through today and move on to the next each day growing and building up to our true north (our true self) stay strong my fellow true trans soul rebels 

Monday, September 1, 2014

Cute and sexy photo shoot

I don't normally post pictures like this but lately I have been inspired by women who don't let people dictate what they do.  Feeling sexy and wanting others to see you that way is never bad. Thank you to those women who have inspired me. 

I have been talking to Chelsea about doing a really fun photo shoot for my blog and that I wanted to pick out a cute but sexy lingerie outfit to shoot in. So after work a couple days ago I had a fun shopping day at Victoria's secret looking and picking out different outfits I thought might be a possibility. Most were too sexy and to common and that's when I found the one I knew I had to have this one 
As soon as I saw it I knew it was exactly the perfect piece for the photo shoot that I envisioned. 

Of course as soon as I got home I wanted to get all dolled up and take pictures but it wasn't possible since I at the time wouldn't have a day off for another 8 days but I did know that I would have time after work on Sunday, a couple days later. 

Flash forward to yesterday and everything went as smooth as possible getting ready.  I still was extremely nervous about how my photos were going to come out, which I know both cis and trans people have feelings about. I was feeling that way from the time I woke up on Sunday.

My wife and I had fun doing our make up and joking about random stuff and of course having some pretty tasty drinks at the time helped out with the silliness. 

Finally we started taking pictures and Chelsea helped me tremendously with my poses which as we all know can make or break a picture. And I can't lie I was trying to channel my inner bailey jay and I think it worked. 

Here are a couple of the pictures I hope you enjoy them 

The end of the night, after the photo shoot was filled with more drinks some awesome Chinese food and some fun movie time. I couldn't have ask for a betters girls night. 

Friday, August 22, 2014

Commentary] [USA] The Historical Oppression of Transgender People within the LGBTQ Movement

I did not write this article just found it very informative please check it out
[Commentary] [USA] The Historical Oppression of Transgender People within the LGBTQ Movement
7:16 AMTransgender News
PQ Monthly, OR, USA

The Historical Oppression of Transgender People within the LGBTQ Movement

admin — August 21, 2014

By Leela Ginelle, PQ Monthly

Lateral oppression occurs when one member of a marginalized community oppresses another. This dynamic has been practiced, with demonstrably damaging results, by the LGB community toward its transgender counterparts repeatedly as the campaign for rights has proceeded since the Stonewall uprising.

It’s commonly known that among the Stonewall rioters were many transwomen and drag queens. One such participant was nascent trans activist Sylvia Rivera. Seventeen at the time, she’s reported to have shouted, “I don’t want to miss a minute of this. It’s the revolution,” when the uprising started, and to have thrown one of the first bottles at the police.

Following Stonewall, Rivera organized with the Gay Activists Alliance in New York City, as they worked to attain protections for sexual and gender minorities. Within a year, however, the GAA began to drop protections for drag and transvestitism (as gender expression rights were referred to then) from its agenda. In 1971, the GAA put forward a citywide Gay Rights Ordinance excluding those rights, officially splitting the LGBTQ rights movement, and jettisoning those who’d helped begin it.

The men making these decisions were able to do so, in part, because they benefitted from male cisgender privilege transwomen like Rivera lacked, and in doing so they perpetrated a bias toward the gender variant members of their community. Though LGBTQ minorities themselves, they preemptively assumed bigotry on the part of the politicians they hoped to court, and then acted upon it, hoping that excluding trans people would make their movement more palatable to the politicians they wished to court.

Rivera inferred the motives of her former comrades, saying later, “When things started getting mainstream, it was like, ‘We don’t need you anymore.’”

This abandonment proved fruitless. The gay-only ordinance failed to pass. Spurned, Rivera formed STAR — Street Transvestite Action Revolutionaries — with fellow trans activist Marsha P. Johnson. STAR staged marches, and operated a shelter for gender variant youth experiencing homelessness, the latter a priority reflecting the precarious nature facing the trans community.

LGB activists, pursuing their own interests, eventually procured the passage of a sexual identity protections ordinance in NYC in 1986. Gender expression would not become a protected right in the city until 2002.

Those dates reflect the larger pattern of the advancement of gay and lesbian rights relative to those of transgender people in our country during the last forty five years. That marginalization following Stonewall, the decision on the part of those in the movement with the greatest social capital that mainstream society was ready to embrace sexual minorities, but not gender ones, i.e.: people like the decision makers rather than those different than them, left the trans community decades behind its gay and lesbian counterpart in terms of legal rights and social acceptance.

This dynamic that followed Stonewall repeated itself almost identically seven years ago in Congress with the maneuvering that surrounded the Employment Non-Discrimination Act. Trans-exclusionary versions of ENDA were put forth in 1994, ’95, and ’96, all unsuccessfully.

The Human Rights Campaign, which shepherded these efforts, earned the extreme ire of the trans community, when its then-executive director Elizabeth Birch was reportedly overheard at an LGBTQ event saying a trans-inclusive ENDA would happen “over (her) dead body.” Trans activists began picketing HRC dinners and events to bring light to this lateral discrimination, and eventually, by 2007, their efforts appeared to have made an impact.

In 2007 Democrats controlled both houses of Congress. For the first time, HRC announced it would not support an ENDA bill that excluded trans protections. According to Transgriot founder Monica Roberts, the organization also raised $20,000 from the Southern Comfort Conference — an annual trans event in Atlanta — to support their efforts.

On September 27, 2007, however, gay congressman Barney Frank, acting unilaterally, decided trans protections would doom the bill, and struck them. In the wake of this, the HRC equivocated, saying it would not support the bill, but would not encourage congresspeople to vote against it, either.

The sense of betrayal within the trans community at this turn was mammoth. Donna Rose, the first trans member of the HRC’s board of directors resigned almost immediately, and while a coalition of 300 LGBTQ groups quickly formed, calling itself, United ENDA, and prevailing upon the Democratic Congress to immediately pass a trans-inclusive ENDA bill, the HRC stayed apart, and kept its silence.

Frank’s trans-exclusive ENDA passed the House in early 2008, but died in the Senate without ever reaching the floor. The parallels between this episode and that of the gay and lesbian rights ordinance forty years prior are so glaring they hardly require illustration: the presumption among gay male leaders that those around them were transphobic, the intra-community oppression, and the utter fruitlessness of yet another legislative abandonment.

These instances of lateral oppression by the cisgender members of the LGBTQ community toward their trans counterparts, are, I find, common knowledge among trans people I know. When I mention them to gay and lesbian friends, however, even ones well acquainted with LGBTQ issues and history, I don’t encounter the same familiarity.

This gulf, in my view, is harmful, as the history involved in these instances constitutes a pattern of injustice that can contribute to a sense of cynicism among trans people, resulting in occasional bitter sayings about our movement, such as “The ‘T’ comes last,” “The ‘T’ is silent” or “The GGGG community.”

I bring all this up not to stoke resentments, or point fingers, but rather to air out old wounds, so they might heal. Such healing is occurring   already, I believe, as attention is given to trans issues, like health care access and coverage, gender identity protections in schools and public spaces, and the removal of surgery requirements from process of updating the gender markers on one’s IDs and documents. Actions like the HRC’s recent condemnation of the trans-exclusionary Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival help, as well.

Our community is big and diverse, and made up of people who likely all know what it is to be excluded. As Stonewall showed, though, we accomplish more when we turn our love toward one another, and practice the acceptance and equality we’re fighting for in the world with the people closest to us.

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Saturday, August 16, 2014

Against me! Day out filled with punk music and rebelling against social gender norms

It's kinda hard to start this blog because the day was so amazing but here I go. The day started out with waking up and the first thought popping into my mind was the fact that I will have the chance to meet one of my wife's and mine favorite musicians and icons laura Jane grace. I hopped into the shower as my wife started getting ready and at this point I still didn't know exactly what I was going to wear when I got out all I knew was I want to wear a skirt and fishnets with my boots but didn't know what top after trying a ton on I finally just cut up my converge shirt to make it more cute which my wife helped me with. We finally got done getting ready and making a huge mess in the process and left for the day. Me and Chelsea were super hungry so we grabbed sushi before the signing with against me we spent the whole time talking about what we will say to our favorite band so we would have are thoughts straight which didn't really work outta as u will see later. Skipping forward about an hour of hanging at the record store we finally lined up to meet against me. When Laura walked up and against me I almost didn't know how to contain myself I wanted to tell Laura about her impact on my life and what she meant to me and  all I could say was can I have a hug and that she was my idol. I have never been do star struck in my life but I am truly a huge fan and couldn't believe I was finally meeting Laura. After the signing my wife me and our friend Amanda all went to have drinks at a local bar called burgers and brew before we headed into the show. At this point me and Chelsea had already posted pics on twitter with Laura which she favorited and also added my wife who she recognized talking to in the past on line.  We finally went Into the show and got out spots. We heard the opening acts put on a great show so we were excited to see them and let me tell you both bands all the pretty horses and creepoid delivered on a huge scale setting up the night for against me. Finally it was time for against me and the set was perfect from beginning to end playing pretty much every song I could have asked for except for maybe paralytic states and Spanish moss. The high light of the show was seeing the evolution of Laura's stage presence from 2 years ago on her first tour after coming out and now she melted my face and my heart with her stage presence and her recognizing us at the end of the show was awesome. Lucky enough for us we have tickets to see them this coming Wednesday in Fresno. To Laura if you read this thank you and I am looking forward to seeing you in Fresno and many more shows in the future you truly are a huge inspiration to me. And of course here are some pics from the night 

Monday, August 4, 2014

A fun realization

It's a great moment when you first free yourself from the confines of your little closeted bubble you feel stuck in for so long only to do it on just a slightly bigger scale with feeling only comfortable in cd or trans friendly environments. It's another great feeling to no longer feel obligated to those confines and get to explore freely in the world the way you want to. We had a great night at burgers and brew with a group of great friends 

Monday, July 7, 2014

Gender loses its impact with the young


A great little part of an awesome article I read in USA today if u want to read the whole thing go to this link

Gender loses its impact with the young

Michael A Spooneybarger for USA TODAY

Gabrielle Kratsas, 22, just graduated from the University of Maryland, where more

They're young. They like things their way. They don't like stereotypes and steer clear of conformity.

Because young people ages 34 and younger are legions larger than the dominant-until-now-Baby Boom generation, their likes and dislikes command lots of attention. High on their list is gender identity — a concept they're increasingly resisting.

"Gender stereotypes are conformity," says Jamie Gutfreund, chief strategy officer of The Intelligence Group, a consumer insights and strategy group based in Los Angeles whose summer/fall 2013 report about gender paints a vivid portrait of younger generations' attitudes.

The survey reveals that "gender is less of a definer of identity today than it was for prior generations. Rather than adhering to traditional gender roles, young people are interpreting what gender means to them personally."

As a result, gender rules and traditional stereotypes are fading. From college housing to clothing, language and parenting, gender-neutral increasingly is the preferred positionGeneration Y alone is estimated at 80-90 million in the USA (compared with 75 million Baby Boomers) and 2 billion worldwide. It's growing because of immigration. And because they think and behave the same globally, experts say these young people will change society in profound ways.

The online survey measured opinions of a nationally representative sample of 900 people ages 14-34, two-thirds of them 18-24 (termed Generation Y or Millennials), and the remainder 14-17 (often termed Generation Z).

Among the findings:

• More than two-thirds agree that gender does not define a person the way it once did.

• 60% think that gender lines have been blurred;

• Nearly two-thirds say their generation is pushing the boundaries of what it means to be feminine and masculine. As a result, 42% feel that gender roles today are confusing.

"You can be one thing one day and another the next," Gutfreund says. "In previous generations, there was no going back and forth. Now, there's incredible fluidity to everything."

"Fluidity" is exactly how generational expert Bruce Tulgan, founder of a management, research and training company in New Haven, Conn., describes what he's observed.

"They would say not just men and women; it's everyone along the spectrum. Everybody has his or her own gender story," he says.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Breast forms

Who wants to help me get these :-) lol I will be your best friend forever lol jk. But anyways check them out they are pretty amazing I hope I will own a pair one day

Time for a new wig

This is always a hard choice for me. It's committing to a new look that u don't know you can pull off until you try. But finding the right one is always a blast. What do u guys think of this one 

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Great read check it out

This is an amazing article I read on huffington called transgender strangers in gay land

West Hollywood side trip

Plan on going to southern Cali for my birthday at the end of July. Hoping my days are filled with fun at disneyland and my nights are filled with fun in west Hollywood. Most likely I will end up at the abbey and the rage but if any of you guys and girls have suggestions let me know 

Monday, June 23, 2014

Two of my favorite women in the public eye Laura Jane grace and bailey jay

Both of these women are in the public eye and rock the fuck out of life. I love them both 

Lucky to be with someone who loves me so much

I told my wife I really need a girls day how does that sound? She says it sounds amazing let's make it happen. So the day starts with shopping for new panties (vs semi annual sale) can't walk past that. And then finding fun outfits to go out in that night. She really knows how to take care of me everywhere we went she made sure to make the point that this day was about me we had some lunch and then went home and got ready for the evening. Long story short we danced and drank and enjoyed each other very much. Love is love and that's what we have for each other and I am lucky to feel that in my life. 

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Just a regular day

Woke up feeling good. I now work in the make up industry and wanted to practice some techniques and also have a day to feel beautiful 

Late post New Years

New Years was a blast got to meet an icon and have a lot of fun. I have always wanted to bring in the New Years as a girl