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Girls trip to Disneyland NYE

Finally a girls trip to Disneyland and it couldn't have been better, and to bring in the new year as my true self surrounded by acceptance and friendship was simply amazing. 

We go to Disneyland often being pass holders and having a large group of friends who all love Disney makes it pretty easy to schedule trips to the happiest place on earth. And with hoping that 2016 is my year to transition it was important for me to bring in the new year in the light of the person I hope to be full time. And I got to do that. 

Prior to our trip we started a group message mainly just for planning the trip like what we are going to wear what things we wanted to do and the normal logistics of any trip but my favorite part about it was the normal girly conversation that developed as the group convo evolved, it was no longer just about the trip but just four girls talking about what was on their mind, this was priceless. And I am sure the girls involved had no idea what it meant to me. 

The first day was a pretty normal day at Disneyland, busy  a couple rides some food (the best kind) and ending the day early to get ready for the day we went on the trip for New Year's Eve. 

We got to our hotel around 730pm and pretty instantly the conversation went to planning outfits for the next day and getting out of the clothes we road tripped in and into something more comfortable which for me was yoga pants and a tank top. We all showed off what we were going to wear or planned to wear and we all chimed in with our opinions and how we thought it could be better or if we should totally abandon the idea and take an emergency trip to go shopping at ten o'clock at night to get a new outfit (tori). This was fun and effortless and made going to bed easy even with knowing I will be up at 4am to start getting ready for a long day in the park. 

I woke up to my alarm at 4am which freaked Jessica out I think she thought there was a fire and she was going to have to rescue all of us after she calmed down and went back to sleep i got all my stuff together to start getting ready my new panties and black bra, flattering black skirt and nice black top with a cute cardi over the top with leggings and knee high boots. I then got into the shower and started getting ready. 

After I got out of the shower we each took turns in the mirror getting ready primping and powdering and putting the finishing touches on our outfits and so our girls day New Year's Eve celebration in Disneyland is finally starting. 

We finally reached the park after driving to the parking lot and taking the bus over to the park.  Being trans and having an id that isn't your preferred gender identity is always a little nerve racking when entering such a public place but as always Disneyland handled the situation perfect without making it an issue because my annual passport pic didn't look exactly how i looked as I entered the park. 

Now I could write pages and pages about all the fun we had in the park and also the not so fun things that happen in the park but honestly this wasn't even the best part about the trip, it was being with three other people who knew how to have fun in any situation and no matter what we were doing it was a fun time from shopping on Main Street to buying new mouse ears at the mad hatter and going on an adventure on Tom sawyers island crawling through tunnels and caves in our cute New Year's Eve outfits. 

But the truth is being in the happiest place on earth and being able to experience it In the way I have always wanted to was amazing in every way possible, and was the best way to start the new year. 

Amazing trans people/activist in the public eye you should know about

If what you know about the trans community is only what you see on tv there is a lot more to know and here are a couple people you can start following on Twitter or other social media to learn more about the community

 first Is Bailey Jay especially her podcast the bailey jay show

The second being Janet Mock 

The third being the amazing Laura Jane Grace

The forth being Jen Richards 

And the fifth being Buck Angel

New camera new photos

Not much to right about just felt pretty and Chelsea took some great pictures I hope you enjoy them. 

Feeling pretty take a picture

So had an urge to take a picture yesterday morning with out a fancy outfit or even make up. It was a challenge to see if I could feel sexy and comfortable in my own skin. So I grab my phone opened my curtains for lighting and took a couple pics. I surprised myself and felt beautiful sexy and like myself. Anyways remember that you have value and are allowed to be sexy and take a picture so you can remember that feeling in that moment. 

Against me - 23 live sex acts

Seriously the best live album of the year honestly just listen to it any way you can words don't do it justice  

Being trans and Disneyland

I can tell you that I haven't had a better experience then the one I had at Disneyland. I was a little worried that something would happen and it might tarnish my opinion of Disneyland but yayyyyy it didn't. Never had any instance of a worker or patron drawing unneeded attention to me even when showing my id. So in conclusion no issues from instance to eating and drinking to enjoying a parade. My faith in Disney and even people has changed a little for the better. 

Pool day more then just a bikini

So this last Thursday I did something that is hard for most trans women I bought a bikini and was motivated to feel pretty in it and my own skin. I have a wife who is super supportive and her family although sometimes lacking in understanding is very supportive of my exploration of gender and transition. This being said we thought it would be a good thing to spend a day relaxing at the pool being that our life has been a higher level of continuous anxiety then ever before.

We woke up and got dolled up and and got dressed for a day at the pool. And it felt amazing not putting on the same old board shorts that I had grown so accustomed to. Instead a cute bikini with a bright pink top and cute skirted bottoms and a nice cover dress for when we were out and about. 

I have been lucky enough to feel girly and pretty in most outfits I choose to wear but one thing that's hard for all women is feeling pretty in skin that you spend most of the time covering up. For me my stomach and back are areas I find hard to except about myself. But in that moment we're I finally took off my dress and said to myself that this is me and I have to be ok with it before I can expect others to was a beautiful moment. 

Long story short we spent the day sun bathing and swimming and talking and Chelsea's mom and dad even joined us and in that moment I truly felt excepted because I allowed myself to be vulnerable  and I wasn't disappointed. 

Btw. This was my first time wearing a bikini in public and I feel confident enough to do it more often 

Life and why I have been gone

After trying to get pregnant for a while me and my wife are finally only a week away from giving birth to Our baby Charlie. This is the most amazing feeling and beautiful moment in our life, we are both nervous and anxious and also excited for what the future holds for us.  Not only do we have our baby Charlie on the way but we also bought a beautiful Victorian house that was built a 130 years ago which we have slowly been fixing up and making it into out dream home for our soon to be family of three.  Needless to say I have been extremely busy. 

With being busy it's easy to loose track of ones self about what makes you whole and complete and truly I am doing pretty good, with a job that fits my life style a wife who gets and understands me and is my best friend that I want to share everything with. And of course Charlie. 

But lately I have been sacrificing my progression through my transition for balancing all the many other aspects to my life this is no one persons fault except my own I chose to stop going to therapy and seeing the doctor about hrt (hormone replacement therapy) I weighed my decision out and although in a huge way it's self deprecating I know that my plan in the relative short term is to fully transition and I have to be ok with my transition and everybody's transition looks different. That mine may take longer then the next trans person. I am blessed to have so many people around me who support my decision to transition and my openess of gender fluidity in my life within this past 8 years. 

Life is short live it to its fullest and own the decisions you make in the end you are the only one that controls your happiness 

New house new baby and a new dress

Can't forget about yourself no matter how much is going on 

A long transition

It's as simple as that. I feel I have been in transition for the last 8 years. A longer process than most can understand but I feel I have gained so much positive influences over that stretch of time that will help and guide me through my life as a women. 

One of the major things I have gained from a longer transition is the value and respect I give my memories even while living as a male. Many trans women I know look upon there pre transition self with distain, anger and sometimes even hatred and with the length of time I spent living more gender fluidly has helped my mind understand my life of evolution. And allows me to look at my transition as growth and change similar to aging. 

Life is transition, the only thing different between you and me is our journey. :-)

My balance has been off

Life has taken some crazy turns as of late. All for the good my wife and I just bought our first house and we have a baby on the way. These are all amazing things but it did throw my transition out of balance its hard to make it a priority when life changes so much. I don't have a lot of time right now to write but just wanted to give an update. I will keep pushing thriugh and I hope I will find the time to be my true self always 

Egotistical males and how they react to my early stage transition femininity

As you might know I work in cosmetics for an amazing company. The only place I am not completely out about my transition is at work so of course I am mostly viewed as a femme male. This brings me to my first personal experience of how some men view what it means to be a women or feminine. 

A man and women walk into my store about my age. Around 28 and I noticed he had a shirt on of a band I love and have loved since I was very young so I commented on how much I loved his shirt and instead of saying thank you and agreeing about how great the band was he instantly responded back with "you don't know anything about metal music" I then proceeded to say is it because I work here and not your normal metal fan. He literally agreed with me that I was "to soft" to like metal music in a true way what ever that is. 

The thing that bothered me the most is my feeling of needing his approval that just because I am an effeminate person that it is possible for me to know as much if not more then he does about the topic we were discussing. 

Honestly speaking this is my first experience being confronted this unmentioned male superiority over me. Mostly I didn't like how I responded, I should have just walked away as opposed to trying to get him to believe I knew what I was talking about. 

And yes all this came from a comment on a band tee. 

Wow it's busy. Can't lose sight of what's important

Life has been crazy like always the holiday season for me isn't as welcomed as it is for most. I am a general manager for a major retail company so my job demands much more attention this time of year then any other time. With that said it's easy to lose sight of personal care and I am guilty of this. Since I am aware of it I have an chance to change it and that's what I did. I started getting my teeth fixed, made therapy appointments and an advocate appointment to talk about hormone replacement therapy. It feels good to continue moving in a positive direction even with countless distractions. Just got to keep my head up an keep moving forward. To people going through the same journey good luck and remember your needs are important 

The journey is only part of it

The transition is only part of the journey. I am transitioning not solely for the experience of transitioning but the view of the horizon of living my life in the truest version of myself. To wake up in the morning and look in the mirror with yesterday's make up still on and a tangled mess of hair on my head and still be happy.  To see the eyes of others seeing my true self no matter if they are judging eyes or accepting eyes they are seeing the genuine me and that will be amazing. 

Life has been crazy

I am in one of those weird time warps where I feel like I am being pulled in ten different directions with work family wife life and unable to feel balanced. This makes me feel like I can't concentrate on my transition but what I am trying to realize is my transition is a process which I may of just officially started but I have going through for the last 7 years and nothing will be able to keep me from being my true self. Yes things will always come up and maybe prolong things but the fact is I have a supportive wife and we will be through anything together. 

Working on myself

So although it's been very exciting starting therapy and soon starting mones  I can't lie and say when I look back on things how hard it is to realize how much pain and sadness I choked down in and out not being able to be seen as the true me on an everyday bases 

When life says it's time

For the last three months my wife and I as you may know have been talking about me transitioning. I have been very lucky to have her to open up to and be as transparent with but at the same time know I need to seek the help of a professional. 

Randomly one of my days at work (in a cosmetic store) I started a conversation like I normally do and long story short I ask what she does for work and she said she works at the gender health center in sacramento. I automatically was very interested because I have been wanting to reach out to the center for a very long time but have always found a way to forget or not go through with it. We exchanged information and I thought that would be it. 

That is until she reached out to me and started a dialogue about my blog and opened up the invitation to the center. She was very kind and even asked what I prefer to go by. So even though she opened up the invitation I still wasn't actively reaching out, even though ever morning I wake up saying today is the day I call. 

So in conclusion today is the day I am going to set up my first appointment  with a therapist in regards to me transitioning. I can't ignore getting healthy anymore. 

Somethings will change some won't

Loved relaxing on the couch with my wife last night something's will never change and the time spent in comfys wife my lover next to me as I play some video games is something that won't ever change. 

Sisters dinner

I am going to try and keep this one short and simple. I just had an amazing dinner with my sisters yesterday. We had a great time and most of the time was spent outlining what it means to be trans and what the future looks like for me. They were extremely accepting and open to listening. I know that mistakes happen in terms of misgendering and with time that will fade. I am also looking forward to the times where my transness doesn't need to be a topic or subject with my sisters and we can just enjoy being sisters. I am blessed to have them in my life and am looking forward to spending more time with them.